Moonlit Nights

I felt scared when I thought of coming back to my blog to write something. Scared not of writing, but of reading what I had written before; for I might feel embarrassed. So I came and quickly clicked on the "New Post" link, trying to keep my eyes off of the text of my last post. I need to overcome this fear, of knowing my real self. And the funny thing is, here I am, still believing that I work harder than most people at trying to know myself.

The reason why I have come to write something is to say that I've been feeling like singing, a song, about the moon. I don't know why the moon in specific. Looking at the moon always makes me think of whatever beauty I have come across in recent days. Singing this song would make me happy, but not entirely. It would make me entirely happy if it were true for me. And if it so happens that the words of this song become true for me, then I want that to happen slowly, and savor every moment of it.

The song I want to sing is called "Chandni Raatein". Here is a literal translation:
"Moonlit nights... The whole world sleeps and we stay awake, talking to the stars."

Right now I am scared of singing this song. That is so because I am afraid that if someone doesn't understand, they might be annoyed by it, or think that I am stupid. And if someone understands it, then my rendition might not be perfect enough for them, and they might think that I am stupid. But once it becomes true, then whoever listens, will surely feel what I feel, or at least understand what I feel. I should probably have hope.

Forbidden Fruit

This is exactly what I had wanted; to be strong. Unshakable. No unnecessary emotions should be able to deviate my thoughts from continuing on the course of rationality. And I am somewhat proud of myself for having done it.

But I now realize that what I've trained myself to do is to not let emotions touch my heart. I have stopped feeling - I am desensitized to all things good and bad. This was probably the right decision for me to take at the time I took it, in order to stop feeling pain. But since I do not have a heaven (or hell) to go to at the end of this life, I have no sense of purpose left now. Just like there are things (chocolate, for example) that trigger the same response in your brain as being in love, there is a thing that has, in the past, made me as satisfied as having a real purpose would have. For me that thing is a passion of some kind, or feeling passionately towards something. Be it continuing or not, explicable or not.

I think my ultimate goal should be to reprogram myself to open the doors of my heart and let everything take two courses to my brain, one through my heart and the other one direct. This is how it had always been before I stopped feeling, but the weights I used to give to each input were "stupid". This time I need to learn to apply the right weights to both of these inputs. The definition of "right" weights can of course be subjective - as a consequence of the definition of "right" being relative in its own nature. In my definition, I would allow my heart to suggest "crazy" weights for its outputs but not "stupid" ones as before. This should make me able to consciously develop passions about things that matter. This is important also because just thinking and acting, but not feeling is getting kind of boring :-)

But for now, just for now, I may have found a way to feel human. Ever since I died once, rarely have I ever felt butterflies in my stomach about anything. But I guess they might come, these live-in-the-moment, ephemeral creatures might come fluttering, over forbidden fruit.